The Self Development Podcast: Shame, Compassion and Acceptance

Johnny Lawrence, Self Development Coach and host of the Self Development Podcast, speaks with Malachy about Shame Compassion and Acceptance.

This is a special episode for Johnny and Malachy who have worked therapeutically together. For more conversations about emotional health and personal growth, please do check out Johnny’s podcast here: https://anchor.fm/theselfdevelopmentcoach/

In this honest and compassionate conversation, Johnny and Malachy talk about trauma, shame, and how we can resolve even the most devastating feelings through the simplicity of acceptance.

The Self Development Podcast describes this podcast as “an incredible, special episode for Johnny as Malachy has helped him work through some extremely difficult childhood trauma and has supported him to get to a place of, previously thought to be unachievable, acceptance.”

Here are some of our favourite moments from the podcast:

human being v human doing

Malachy I’m human, with all that entails. And on a good day, I spend a bit of time just feeling and being human. I think being human and just being informs a lot of the work I do. I have a tendency to be a human doing.

Johnny: And what does that mean?

Malachy: Being a human doing means doing whatever I can in order not to experience myself fully in the moment, to do anything to step away from different emotions.

the gentle strength of acceptance

Johnny: I am a surviror of child abuse. And it’s tormented me for the best part of my life. It’s caused me a lot of difficult times. And something I never ever thought was an option - I’ve tried to fix it, I’ve tried to change it, I’ve tried to do many many things to combat, address, all these things that I’m sure everyone else has tried with their own trauma. But never ever ever had I ever considered accepting it… And I never forget the first time you talked to me about acceptance. And I have to admit I was initially dismissive of it… but the way you put it to me, and the question you put to me, made me think…

Malachy: You know when when you were using those words, “fix”, “combat” what came to mind was: if I were that trauma, and people were trying to fix me, or combat me, or address me… I’d just be getting stronger… there’s no one going to fix, combat, address or get rid of me!! I think acceptance has got such gentle strength.

Johnny: That word combat comes from my violent upbringing. Combat has always been that statement of: fight but that’s where the freedom of acceptance comes in for me: not having to fight back; choosing not to fight back.

justice, acceptance and freedom

Johnny: Stepping away from injustice… it’s hard. My initial reaction to acceptance was: someone was getting away with something. And that’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s the same as forgiveness.

Malachy: Yeah, it’s not about the other person.

Johnny: That’s right. Yeah. Which doesn’t seem fair but once you feel that freedom that comes with forgiveness or acceptance; it’s worth it!

empathy as an antidote to shame

Malachy: Shame is such a powerful feeling, it works on us in two ways: it keeps us silent, we just don't even say; we talk about automatic obedience to shame; and if we climb out of the silence and stand on the edge of sthis pit of silence that shame wants to keep us in, what it does then is that it just points a big finger at us, like the big Monty Python finger out of the sky, and goes, “who do you think you are?!” It ridicules us.

…

Malachy: Brené Brown says that shame cannot survive being met with empathy. So, if we find the courage to say how we’re feeling, and say the stuff that shame doesn’t want us to say, and someone says, “Yeah, I know how hard that is.” then somehow, we can cultivate a certain amount of reslience. I say a certain amount becasue in my experiece it will always be there.

the acceptance gym

Malachy: Acceptance isn’t understanding… knowing this saves us so much time, and so many ‘why’ questions. Acceptance is a ‘that’ thing: that’s how it is.

Acceptance isn’t resignation. Resignation is a heavy, heavy feeling that says: this is how it is; and this is how it will always be. It’s like a vest at the gym you put the weights in. It’s just really burdonsome.

Acceptance isn’t tolerance: that’s like hanging on a bar forever. You can probably hang on for a long time: but you can’t hang on forever.

Acceptance, as I see it, is a mix of thought and feeling. I like to think of it as an attitude. It’s about the NOW: this is how it is. And that’s quite difficult, because living in the now means stepping away from the past and the future.

Johnny: My question to you is: What do we do when we can’t accept it?

Malachy: Ah. Well, that’s when we go to the acceptance gym. Often at the gym, people will try to lift weights that are too heavy, and they’ll get hurt, and they won’t go back. So perhaps we talk to a trainer, someone with a bit of knowledge, and they’ll say well, maybe you can’t lift that, but there is something you can accept.

acceptance feels nice

Malachy: Evenutally we’ll get to a place where they can accept and a smile and a sense of lightness comes across them and it’s the feeling of acceptance. And, at a physiological level a little trickle of oxytocin going through their body, and that combats - and it does combat - cortisol and adrenaline in their body. And it feels nice. The thing about acceptance is that it feels nice.

Johnny: It does.

Malachy: That doesn’t mean the stuff isn’t painful, but we’ve got to a place where we can accept something to do with it and like any skill, if we practice it, we will get better. On a good day our capacity for acceptance is high, and let’s accept we all have difficult days.

anxiety is about what’s unfamiliar, not what’s dangerous

Malachy: anxiety, shame and disgust belong to our primitive, lizard brain… our amygdala. Anxiety has evolved in its efficiency and instead of doing a risk assessment, it does a familiarity assessment. Anxiety is not related to danger, it’s related to familiary. People will continue doing a dangerous behaviour because it’s familiar, rather than adopt a safe behaviour because it’s unfamiliar. I see this in addiction and recovery. When we went into lockdown, the message was: Stay at Home, and that really worked; but over time that message changed to: Stay Alert, and that doesn’t work for people as anxiety is a binary on/off and being in a constant anxiety state is exhausting.

People over time can know how to feel anxious. We notice anxiety and lean into it…

If we can begin to notice situations and describe them to can avoid some of the difficulties attached to evaluations.

Johnny: And by describing them you can take away the judgement. What advice would you give someone struggling with anxiety who is sceptical about acceptance?

Malachy: I would ask them to look at an example from their own lives. Many people during lockdown were anxious about going into lockdown; and then the same people, months later, were anxious about coming out of lockdown.

Johnny: Because it was unfamiliar.

Links

The Self Development Coach Podcast by Jonny Lawrence: It’s my mission to provide the listener, with inspirational value and learning surrounding self-development and mental and emotional health. I’m lucky enough to have life-changing conversations with people from all over our planet on this podcast. Their passion and mastery help me spread actionable knowledge with the intention of helping people with their self-development. https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/26-shame-compassion-and-acceptance-with-malachy-dunne/id1543670507?i=1000537575659 new episodes every other Tuesday

Jonny Lawrence, The Self Development Coach, on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theselfdevelopmentcoach/

Lifetime Therapy Gratitude Practice: https://www.facebook.com/groups/lifetimetherapygratitudepractice/

Malachy and Lifetime Therapy on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lifetimetherapy/