Happy and Christmas: Do you feel responsible for how others feel?
There are some occasions when we are expected to feel a certain way. At Christmas, everyone is supposed to be happy. So what if someone isn’t?
Separating responsibility from emotions is a bit like untangling the Christmas tree lights. It seems straightforward enough, but with further inspection, you may want to give up, chuck the messy lot in the bin where you don’t have to deal with it and buy a fresh set, which inevitably, will also end up tangled. In the end though, if you persevere, there will be a light bulb moment.
In our last post of the year, we look at what happens when the 'wrong' feelings show up, explore the futility of blaming ourselves for how other people feel, and offer some help in taking responsibility for our own emotions.
the ‘wrong’ feelings
“I should be happy but…”
“He should be ashamed of himself, yet…”
“Why doesn’t she seem sad?”
We know from experience that our emotions are complicated and logic-defying, yet we are constantly surprised when the ‘wrong’ feelings turn up.
At times like Christmas, when we are led to anticipate pleasant feelings like joy and elation, if those ‘right’ feelings don’t arrive, we can feel just as frustrated, angry or sad as we would if a trusted person let us down.
When the situation demands a difficult feeling like grief, and we don’t experience that feeling (or don’t perceive it in someone else) we can feel guilt, disgust, shame or blame.
Humans have a highly-developed sense of justice. When we detect an incongruence between feelings and circumstances we are liable to feel that justice has been breached: It’s just not right for them to look so contented at a funeral; It’s not fair that he’s not happy on his birthday.
And a short hop from injustice is responsibility: it’s my fault she’s not happy - I should have bought her that expensive gift; it’s his fault I’m not enjoying this party - he always abandons me for his friends.
blaming ourselves for how other people feel
This is where the untangling comes in. Yes, we are responsible for what we say and do, and we have a responsibility to be respectful and compassionate, but we are not responsible for how other people feel. We can bend our every word and deed to try and please someone else and never succeed. We might mistake this behaviour for kindness, but taking responsibility for others’ feelings is a kind of arrogance and shows a damaging lack of self-respect. And here, we do have a responsibility: to ourselves.
taking responsibility for our own emotions
It may not always seem this way but we have agency over our thoughts and feelings. With practice, even the most difficult thoughts and tormenting feelings can be transformed. If we are allowing ourselves to be hurt - by someone else or by self-talk - we have a responsibility to ourselves to do something about it - whether that means a difficult conversation or a change in a relationship.
Here are three steps in transforming how we feel by taking responsibility for our own feelings, and no one else’s:
Notice the ‘whatness’ of the emotion Cultivate an awareness of your feelings, noting which they are, not why they are there. Try to notice nuances in your emotions - the tougher ones and those that are more peaceful. Is that feeling of strength resilience or liberation? Does that downtrodden feeling more resemble being unheard or stung? Our ongoing project, Feelings and Thoughts, might help you find a more precise language for your emotions.
Accept that emotion Some feelings are more comfortable than others but they all have a role. Acceptance means being with whatever you are feeling without needing to understand it or like it. To know that you can be with any emotion, however difficult, without reaching for a numbing crutch, is enormously empowering.
To feel something different, do something different Accepting that you feel scorned or betrayed or invisible right now does not mean you have to tolerate whatever caused you to feel that way. As you become more attuned to your emotions you will notice patterns: When I do x, I feel peaceful. When I see z I feel small. You might want to do more of x, and see less of z.
Thank you for reading. I wish you all a compassionate Christmas.
Malachy, Lifetime Therapy founder, counsellor and teacher